We have now become one of those families who belong to an elite club.
The club of Engaged Daughters who have been Un-Engaged . Left behind.
And it is only a club I never even dreamed we would belong to. Not us.
Welcome to the initiation. It involves watching your own go through heart wrenching ( no pun intended, believe me) physical and mental obstacles.
No Eating because when they do, it refuses to stay with them. No drinking because, well, it pairs up with the eating regime. Clothes don't fit anymore.
And so this involves absolutely no energy because the body cannot possibly endure with no fuel. All the while maintaining a facade of well being for the sake of others who are aware of the misfortune. Others who want answers but you cannot give them any because you have none. So in addition to the humiliation, heartbreak and physical limitations, there is the confusion.
The costs are of no importance. What was really lost was the hours of planning to make sure the day was perfect for the happy pair. The hours of calling, interviewing, researching, and well, you get the point.
The deposits that will not be returned, the amazingly gorgeous made to order wedding dress that took her Dad's breath away, the decorations hand made by me for hours on end. But none of this is what gets you into this club.
It is the picking up of her heart and trying to piece it back together for her.
Reassuring her she DOES have value, even though the "groom to be" ripped it off of her.
We all know that these things happen for a reason and we take solace in knowing that this too will pass. Because this is supposed to be a relationship filled with joy and if it is not, then one day it will be. Someday.
She has good friends that have lifted her up, held her and prayed.
She will be whole again. Of that, we will assure.
And she is starting to see this for herself. She is a wonderful, supportive, loving and faithful woman. Some man will have the intelligence to recognize this and when he does, he will be a very happy man. He will stand beside her, through tough times and good times. Because real love does this. It does not abandon.
It does not tear another down, it does not accuse. It communicates and holds the other's fears in it's hands and handles it with the utmost care. Because that's what true love does.
And we are so sorry that this groom to be did not recognize that.
As the song by Keith Urban says:
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
and you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans.
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't.
Stupid boy, stupid boy.
What made you think you could take a life
and just push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
you had to take her and break her down.
Oh you always had to be right but now you've lost
the only thing that ever made you feel alive.
You stupid boy.
We hate this club.

Birthdays

March 1st, 2010.
Which just happens to be my birthday.
Oh, I am BIG on birthdays. Just in case any of you were wondering.
It used to be if my birthday was on a Thursday, let the birthday weekend begin!
Now, I settle for the day. Chalk it up to age. Getting on in it, I mean.
My fondest memory was the time Michael cooked dinner for me,
it was on the cover of Bon Appetit magazine and it included a birthday dinner for 12.
The main course was Paella, with chicken and sausage and shrimp. A salad with homemade croutons and proscuitto and dressing and a layered cake for dessert. Now, before you go all " big deal, anyone can do THAT"....I beg to differ.
This is the man whose daughter once proudly announced in preschool that " My daddy burns salads!".
The magazine walked him thru it three days in advance and he followed it religiously.
It was so fun to see him work on different courses and see it to fruition on my special day.
And I got to share it with 10 others too! Oh man, did he get mass points for THAT birthday!
I have since asked him if he could repeat that occasion, to which he replied" uh, yeah, NO"
It was way too much work for him he looked me in the eye and told me.
He would rather take me out or buy me something nowadays.
I understand totally. It takes a lot out of me to entertain 10 people. I know, I do it often.
And it's even harder as I get older. Like today.
So tonight we went to Stanley and Seafort's for dinner.
Ever have a dinner that disapointed? Because I have had a ton lately! But not tonight, thank goodness! Tonight's was wonderful.
(Phew. Would have hated to be bitchy on my birthday~)
Ideally, being in Vegas with unlimited funds would be THE best birthday ever......I am still holding out for that one.
But for now, I have 30 minutes left so I am headed to the kitchen.
Maybe make some shortbread. So I can have some in the morning for breakfast.
Or maybe I'll go shopping on Etsy or Ebay. I have 30 minutes left to milk it.
My pastor told me that on my facebook.
I HAVE to listen to him.
He has connections.

Not tough as nails

Turns out, I am NOT tough as nails.
Who knew.
I must be getting softer as I get older.( Wait, did that come out right?)
I am thinking of changing my name to Job. For all you scripture savy, you know what I mean.
And if your reading this and you don't get my point,
I am cursed.
One crappy thing after the other has happened this year and we're not even done with February for crying out loud.
I actually found myself yelling at another driver today that was willing to let me go first.
Really?
That should give you a clue as to my state of mind.
I am beaten down, weary beyond weary, overcome with I believe might be considered: "zombiness".
So if you ask me something that entails me answering in any intelligent manner whatsoever,
walk away now.
God tells us to give it to Him. Ok, sounds simple enough.
Not.
My problem is I am asking for help on one hand and with the other, I am hanging on for dear life.
What's up with that?
"What's that up in the sky?
It's a bird, It's a plane, Nooo, it's Colleen"~
Because the idiot won't let go. Yeah, I called myself an idiot.
They aways tell you not to pray for patience. Oh trust me, I am not even GOING there!
How do all of you out there in blogland do it? How do you function thru a crisis and work and take care of others on the same day, much less breath?
I used to be able to.
It's a lot tougher nowadays. So I am chalking it up to my age.
Because I don't know what else to attribute it to.
And please don't ask me if I feel better when you see me next. Because unless my daughter is beaming with happiness and my dog is not dead and my Dad is healed, things pretty much remain the same.
Life is consuming and I am tired of being on the menu.
Yes, you may quote me on that.

Ahh, Valentines day.

Coming up fast!

Every Valentines day, I remember.

6th grade year on Valentines Day. We had a teacher who wanted the girls to make a lunch ,big enough for two. Then, we (girls) would draw names ( boys) from a sack and whoever we picked, we had lunch with. And while we ate, we opened our Valentines from everyone. You know, the boxes we decorated with construction paper and doilies? Yeah, those. ( makes me want to make one now)

I got someone named Ed. The quietest person in class. Possibly the earth. Considering my desk was constantly in a different place every time I got to class because I "talked to my neighbors too much" , could explain why I was bummed I got Ed. Sorry Ed. That's just the way it was.

I also remember that this one girl, (can't recall her name) actually had the audacity to GLUE conversation hearts onto her paper hearts and give them out. What?!? What the?!?! You cannot eat them THAT way, did she not realize this?!?! Was this a cruel joke? I recall being soooo disapointed she wasted good candy like that. Maybe THAT'S why I can't remember her name, I don't want to!

The Martha Stewart before her time. Trying to be creative with her Valentines and all. I , for one, did not appreciate that gesture.

So, Ed for a lunchmate and glued conversation hearts on a Valentine......it's all becoming clear to me now.

If you want to please me, just give me a cupcake. Simply a cupcake. I will be in heaven!

How easy is that? No jewelry, no elaborate dates. Just feed me.

Tah dah.

Don't you judge me. My needs are simple.

Mr. Hankins, my sixth grade teacher. Obviously a man who's heart was connected to his stomach, I thank you for your lunch insight. I am not sure that would allowed in schools today. Shame.

After working in several cities throughout the sound this week, tomorrow is my day off and what am I going to do?

Why, drive to Renton of course.

Oh yes, the goal is IKEA.

I have a gift card burning a hole in my wallet and an overwhelming desire to roam the aisles to look at cheap, er, inexpensive items I cannot live without.

I cannot explain it.

I find myself drawn to the colors, the layout, the graphics and the cheap, er, inexpensive prices.

But I repeat myself.

I am actually going with some friends whom I need to spend some quality time with.

And they are just like me. You see a napkin and we see a valance for our windows.

So imagine 3 women ooohing and ahhing and saying things like " oooh, ooooh, I can do THIS with this" and cutting back and forth in the aisles with the fervor of newly hatched sea turtles headed for the light of the moonbeams. That would be us.

So that either makes you want to go WITH us, or run screaming in the opposite direction.

You know you want to go, if not just to watch this happening.

And if I should come away with a way cool centerpiece for my entry,

so be it.

January 2010

What a month this has already turned out to be.
Family health issues, Rocky passing away unexpectedly, postponed wedding plans and the woes of work.
But, as usual, life prevails and goes on.
Sometimes your the eagle and sometimes your statue.
I fly when I work with good people, and I do.
I endure all the rest.
How was your first month of 2010?

Working Woman

I don't know how Cindy does it. All I know is she makes me look bad.
And that makes me grouchy. Ya hear that Cindy? But for right now I am gonna chalk it up to her being younger and having more stamina .
Back to work I went last week and what a week it was.
Two gargantuan displays for Loreal and Maybelline had to be done on the first day.
I was overwhelmed, exasperatted and dazed. And that was all in the first 10 minutes.
I don't remember it being that difficult a year ago.
We put in some hella hours to get the job done, but we did it!
Never mind I was jello when I got home.
If it wasn't for Cindy being my boss, I might possibly have quit.
Don't get me wrong, I love doing a job well. And I love getting it done.
But I don't love the 20 foot displays, all backwards and having to be reversed according to the planogram. And then reverse it again on the actual wall. I realize this does not make sense to any of you, but don't feel bad, it didn't make sense to me either!
This just makes me realize how vunerable I am to circumstances and I hate that.
The saving grace is we are almost done with MalMart. Thank you Jesus.
And if your reading this Cindy, do not get cocky.
If I were younger and thinner , I could run laps around you.
If I wanted to.
Which I probably wouldn't.
So your safe.
See you on Monday.
P.S. THIS is when I could use a cupcake~