Time to Re-Direct Myself~

When I was in the grocery store today, I found myself gravitating towards the magazines.

Oooh look, a new Bridal magazine!

Oh, wait, the wedding is over! I don't need a new Bridal magazine for ideas anymore.

But I miss it! There's something about searching, hunting and foraging for new ideas that I love~go figure.

So I stared at the travel magazines until I decided they didn't hold my interest. Is that a new color scheme for summer weddings I see over there?

Stop it! No! No more Bridal magazines Colleen!

My brain obviously doesn't understand. The need for color, shape, design and layout is a force stronger than myself.

I only see a remedy via a lottery ticket. Then I can go back and buy that travel magazine.

Yes, the wedding is over. And it was fan-tab-u-lous.

Not a glitch, not a melt down, not a tense moment to be found anywhere. I did however, find people asking me how I felt.?

Did I look tense? Cause I was sooo not tense. It was going so smooth and easy, there was no way I COULD be tense.

Altho, THAT made me a tad bit tense. "how you doing Mom?" directed at me several times a day was , well, puzzling.

My team of fantastic helpers drop kicked the decorating in an hour and a half!

Michael: " so, why did you need us to be here so early anyway?"....

Uhm, "cause I had no idea things would run so dang smooth, hello!!"

I was so comfy I could have spent the night there! Let's face it, the cozy chairs, the left over cakes that Cortney baked, the bar not closed yet. Yeah, sleep over time.

I did find it amusing that I saw quite a few take home containers of cake going home with guests! See Cort, you are the bomb!!!

I actually still have people talking about the cakes~ which in turn, makes me want one.

Ever had a cake so soft and filled with flavor that you wanted to be alone? Well, these made THAT dream pale in comparison! Not kidding. Not even a little.

The bride and groom were stunning, the photographer amazing and the guests had so much fun!

What more could I ask for?

What's that you say? You're planning a wedding?

I know just the website you need to look at.

And the magazines.

Give me a call.

Someone shoot me.....please

Is there anyone out there that actually KNOWS how to relax?

Genuinely? Truly? Because,

It would seem, I do not.

Or can not. I have no clue which it is.

But today is an absolutely gorgeous day, 69 degrees ( which is a veritable heat wave for us Washingtonians) and sunny, sunny, sunny.

So what do I do?

I look for my cat Zabu. Who apparently does not understand he is not allowed to leave the compound.

Yeah, I said compound.

I have walked into the empty lot next door ( all the while preparing myself for finding an injured cat) and called for him. "ZAboooo".....

ZaBOOOOOO", ZABU"!

My other car Manny is right next to me, chirping away in addition to my wailing.

Yes, Manny chirps. So does Zabu. They must be part bird.

SO anyway, Manny is chirping away, I am yelling and....no Zabu.

My neighbor across the creek ( and I use the term loosely, as I have never met her) asks me what/who I am looking for?

My "he will be the death of me 6 month old kitten/cat, have you seen him?"

She looks into the creek, slowly exhales and says: "no". Then goes back to her weeding.

She looks relaxed.

So back to it I go.

"ZAbooooo"

I do this for 2 and a half hours, mind you.

I am close to a breaking point.

Do not judge me, my animals are my children.

So I call Michael.

Yeah, cause THAT'S gonna help me a LOT.

"Maybe he doesn't WANT to hear you Colleen" he says.

Really?

Seriously?

Breathe Colleen. Then I plop into a chair in the sun, to try to get some color other than translucent for the wedding. And try not to cry.

Then Zabu walks up to me, and yawns. Where the heck did he just come from?!?!?

Oh,Oh, then he runs to the wall and hops over to the street side!

I walk out to the street and so as not to appear maniacal, I talk to my boxer neighbor, BEFORE I try to grab my cat.

To ease into it, I discuss the manny pacquiao vs shane mosley fight with him.

I am kinda listening to him. Really I am.

But I am also using my peripheral vision in search of a small black cat lurking in the shadows of his house.

We discuss the purse the loser got ( wasn't it like 5 million guaranteed?) and he tell me he won his last fight in a 5 round TKO. See? I was kinda listening.

Then Mr.Zabu decides he wants in on the conversation and rubs up against the boxer's leg.

Swell.

For me, you yawn.

So now that my cat is somewhere in the vicinity and I know he is still alive, I am gonna try to tan.

I sit.

I see a beetle struggling in the pool.

Big sigh. I get up, rescue him with the net. Sit back down.

A van pulls up to the empty lot next door. I am suspicious. Rightly so, because, it IS an empty lot on a private road, right?

I discreetly peer over my brick wall. ( Where IS Zabu?) Then the guy opens the side doors ( this is where I am convinced he is going to toss a long rolled up carpet (with a dead body in it,of course) into the lot.

Ok, I may have misjudged. He pulls of the weedwacker and other various garden tools.

Relief.

Oh no! No relief! What if he cuts up Zabu?!?!?!

"ZABU"!!!!

I told you I cannot relax!

Even as I sit here in the sun with my laptop, I may be typing. But I am also listening to the weedwacker, waiting for a cat's cry, trying to get the dog to stop nudging me with his nose,

wondering what just crawled on me ( get off!!)and thinking I may have to go inside to get some pharmaceutical help.

Again, I say, don't you judge me.

All I wanted to do was relax and get some color.

Instead, I am wound tighter than a top ( whatever the heck THAT means) and I am still translucent.

Wonderful.

Where is that Seagram's Cooler?

Blogs. blogs everywhere!

I'd like to think that I am capable of an entertaining thought now and again.

Yeah, no.

I am soooo not worthy.

While I had a " I am down, leave me alone, I did not sleep well or feel good " day this week, I discovered there are so many amazingly funny, humorous ( I know, I just repeated myself, but it needs to be repeated), entertaining blogs out there, I feel so inadequate!

Just on Facebook alone, I have discovered three this week that left me with tears from laughing. I mean, where do these women come from? They all must be related to me in some way, shape or form because they talk just like I do! And I know this because those of us who have a sarcastic inflection in their voice, recognize said characteristics in others 100 miles away. These people can turn a catastrophe into a chuckling moment in a heartbeat.

I have never done that to any of you, have I?

I'm thinking if I did, it must have been tears of boredom compared to ho, I mean how these women write. ( Freudian slip there)

I think if any of you have ever laughed, it's because I make you feel so much better about YOUR lives that you can't help but to laugh in relief~

I just read about some woman's neighborhood being invaded by a sexual predator and I was laughing! I swear! It's true! Laughing~ Now, THAT'S talent.

So it is with great remorse that I apologize to all of you ( all four, but I thank you none the less) that read my blogs.

I promise to try to step it up a bit. I may have to embellish to keep up , hope you don't mind.

Oh man, the pressure is on now.

ER time~

We have been at that stage where our parents' health has been an issue. For about 12 years now.

We are pro's at this now, as weird as that sounds. I'm not trying to make light of it, just trying to get through it...with some humor. But before I get started, I'm gonna tally up the past.

My mom: Parkinsons and Shy Drager disease ( not much humor here, what can I say, she was french.)

Mike's mom: Alzheimers ( left me notes all over the house telling me I was on camera and to stop stealing from her)

Mike's Dad: Alzheimers ( we didn't have much connection there...)

My dad: congestive heart failure, triple bypass surgery on my 40th birthday, diabetes, and now, broken neck surgery and beginning Alzheimers.

I have seen it all. Literally. It has left me wondering why we are born with such splendor and die with so little grace. But, in the long days of caretaking, I am grateful for the moments that catch me off guard.

With my father in Tacoma General Trauma ER room this week, I marvel at how he can have half his face swollen and bleeding from a fall,with a fractured neck, and still hold a conversation with a captain ER nurse who also did the jump school at Fort Benning.

Then another Army ER nurse who was a man, heard my dad was military once upon a day and say " You Army? me too!" My dad look at him and says :" you a doctor?"...."No, I am an ER nurse"..... "Oh, that's ok buddy.... Can't all be doctors"....

AT that point I jumped in and rescued the conversation.

But one night in his room, my dad must have been feeling a little better. His sheets needed to be changed and his RN decided to share with us. Went like this~

" When I first started nursing at 19, I had to change the sheets in a bed with a man still IN it. AND I had never seen a man naked before" To which my dad says:

" You WANNA SEE ONE NOW?!?"

AT that point, we all felt a need to answer FOR her.

"NOOOOOO".

"Oh well" my dad says.

Then there is the afternoon where I was asking my dad how he slept the night before.

"oh man, great! I slept all night and the percosets massage my legs and make them feel so much better! I am not in pain anymore!"

I was thinking, hmmm, that's cool.

As I am covering Dad up with a blanket, I notice he has these leg wraps on that are connected to a machine that are expanding and contracting around his legs.

"oh!"

that's what he was talking about!! Duh.

Gotta admit, that was a moment where I felt pretty dumb. Until he asked me what those things were on his legs? Well Dad, it's like this......

And lastly, yesterday morning . He was an NPO , which meant no food or liquids after midnight because of the upcoming surgery.

He tells me he has to use the bathroom. They don't want him standing up, for fear of no energy. So they hand him the plastic carafe with the handle. He proceed to align himself up and then does his thing. I am trying to be discreet.

No can do.

The man peed like a horse.

On steroids.

At one point, the guy down the hall popped in to see how dad was.

"good....how about you?"

"oh, not so good, I haven't pooped in 4 days"..... This guy looks at me and must have noticed the grimace on my face and starts cracking up. Then we look at dad, whose eyes are closed.

Seriously? Did he just fall asleep peeing?

"dad?"

"yeah?"

" did you fall asleep?"

"NO! I'm just concentrating!"

ooookkkkkaaaayyy.

Far be it for me and the guy down the hall to interrupt that process!

Then he hands me a FULL carafe of urine.

Where are those nurses when you need them?!?

And I leave you with something I am sure all of you have experienced in your lifetime....the crop dusting.

Yeah, we got crop dusted by our dad.

And then he has the nerve to tell us that he had no food inside him, so it was all good.

Oh, we beg to differ dad.

But then again, it was Michael and Marie who left the room and...me still inside of it.

Brings a whole new meaning to " every man save himself".

They did. And I was left clinging to the fog, trying to save myself.

I have a feeling I am going to hear a lot more of this stuff in the future.....

So, go hug your parents if they are still alive and well. Trust me.

You won't regret it.

happy rat race anniversary!

My sister in law was so kind as to remind me of an adventure we had going to Hawaii on this day a few years back.

Strap yourselves down, this one was ego damaging.

For me, of course.

For the first time ever, my brother and his family went on vacation with the Shelleys.

It started there.

In the airport to be exact.

Some of the memories are fuzzy now but one in particular stands above and beyond.

I recall being held up to make our connecting flight to Hawaii from LA. We got held up ( all 9 of us) at security, with the lines being a kajillion people long and , alas, we were all coach travelers. If we were first class, we would have slid right thru! (Another reason to fly first class!)

As we made it through security, we had precious little time to make the flight. Doors were being closed and we sent Emily ( my niece) and Breanne on ahead to work their charm and magic on the gate attendants! We were all running. I should mention that.

I should also mention that I do not travel if I do not look cute. Period.

So, yes, I had on heels. Kitten heels to be exact and yes, they were comfy.

To run in even!Quit judging me!

So, we are all running and I am lugging behind me, one carry on suitcase. Michael is in front of me and he also has a carry on. All I remember is we were running so fast and I was just trying to keep up with the family so as not to cause undue embarrasment for being the hold up.

Oh, I wish that were only the case.

In our stride, I must have caught up to Michael because I got so close to him, and at that point, ( here it comes), I tripped.

I tripped into his butt.

Yes, his hiney.

And to make it worse, we stayed like that....him running, my head on his butt while precariously balancing myself and my luggage, for about, oh, 5 seconds.

Which felt like one hour. With someone in the background yelling: " oooohhhhhhhhhhhh nnnooooooooo".

You getting the slo mo now??

Then it happened.

I fell away from his hiney and fell down.

BA BAM!

To my horror, I bounced right back up IMMEDIATELY.

My reputation was at stake here people!

Then Emily's boyfriend , while looking at me and still running, made a comment about how fast I bounced right back up and it was amazing!

Thus, the "weebles' wobble but they don't fall down" comment was born.

For the rest of the trip.

Hold on, I am not done.

They allowed us on the plane. Never mind the dirty looks on the passengers faces who had to wait for us.

Get over it people.

We had to get to Hawaii!

When we were in the air, I choose to use the lavatory.

Partially to check on my owies from falling and party, well, never mind.

Of course, there was a line.

With a gentleman in front of me. Who turns towards me , looks at me and then says:

" don't I know you?"

"Uhm, no ,I don't believe so" was my response.

" Oh yes I do! Your that woman who fell at the airport!!!!!"

(SERIOUSLY??? He really just said that out loud?!?!)

He then told me he saw it all and was amazed that I got up "SO fast"!

~"That's what I hear".

Times like that, I almost wish I had no bladder control.

wedding stuff~

Oh ,I am a wedding madwoman!

I have to say tho, I am thoroughly enjoying this.

I have taken it upon myself to make all the decor myself.

Yes, I am that anal.

I have made satin roses ( 15 dinner plate size and 30 salad plate size) , the brides bouquet, the bridesmaids bouquets, the boutineirres for all the guys, the chair decorations, the cake plates....man, I can go on and on! But I want you to see it all in 9 short weeks!
I have to write it all down or I will forget some of the details. My wedding coordinator came over yesterday and we took out everything from lanterns to chandeleirs to wedding favors ( that I made as well!! Sooooo excited for those to go on the tables!!!) to bouquets!

It is going to be so much fun to set it all up! And the great thing is, everything I have done and made will be utilized after the wedding, so no waste!

Hopefully, you will be able to hold a conversation with me when this all goes down....I have run thru this so many times mentally already, I feel like I have already done it! So, I should not be distracted by the details on THE day. If you see me stressing....give me some Di Sarronno, I will be fine. Then move me to the buffet table and I will be better.

I cannot wait to share all this with you.

If only my dress would be so easy to do/find.....

I hate to fly

Trust me, I didn't want to have to blog about my travels this time. For once, I wanted a normal traveling experience. This was not to be.

Because I hate to fly, I think God has some fun at my expense.

I actually thought I was going to slip into normalcy when I boarded the plane from Atlanta to Houston and found myself sitting in an "A" seat! This is a row all by itself, no seat mates! Ah , heaven.

When we landed in Houston, I discovered I had one hour before my next flight departed to Seattle. Ok, I got this.

We deplaned on the tarmac, walked an unearthly long trek just to make it to the terminal. I found where terminal C is, which is where my next flight was departing from. So far, so good.

Oh wait, I should check the departure board just to make sure gates were not moved.

Uhm, where is the Seattle departure? I am seeing no Seattle departure. So I move towards the assigned gate. I check my phone real quick for any gate updates from the airlines. None.

I then proceed to gate C-18....after I take a tram to get there and then walk by 18 other gates.

Gate C-18 departing for Fort Lauderdale at 7:30 pm. Uhm, what?

I ask the gate attendant. She looks at me and says " you can find your departure on the board" and walks away.

Wait! I have less than 40 minutes before my flight leaves and it's not up there! Don't walk away! This terminal was jam packed with a kajillion people, 3 people mover trams for handicaps ( filled)and a high school group of about 200 kids. She could have cared less about my little problem.

So back to the board I go. No Seattle. Anywhere. Just to make sure I am not going insane, I ask the giant man next to me if he sees Seattle up there anywhere? No? Me neither.

Great.

Now I have to muster up the balls to go to another terminal attendant to ask them for help. Problem is, every dang counter is lined up with hoards of people! Were they all going to Seattle too?

One last look at the board in frustration.......oh, oh, there it is! It just came up! Phew!

Oh.

Not in the C terminal anymore. Moved to the B terminal.

Back to the main hub and then follow the signs to the tram that will take me to the B terminal. I take the tram and

I passed 33 more gates en route. I might be sweating at this point. Ok, I am.

Finally arrive at my gate 33..it figures.

I check in , at which point the woman tells me I have a B seat.

No bueno. Not with these girls. NO BUENO!

She tells me I can upgrade to first class for 568 dollars ( you read right) ......yeah, right! No aisle or window seats available, flight is booked. She stares at me. I stare back. She is better than me. I go sit down, defeated.

Wonderful. A 5 hour flight with squished girls. Yay for me.

At least I made it to the gate in time tho, right?

We board. I am ever so hopeful that the window seat next to me is someone like myself in flights past who never showed up for the flight. Getting to the end of the passengers......

....hope,....., hope......, hope. Gone.

Down the aisle comes a man in a plastic stetson and lime green shirt headed straight for my coveted seat. Yep. It's his. Sigh.

He situates himself and tells me " Oh I am so glad I have seatmates on this flight! On my way to Mexico, I had to sit on a row by myself!"......

Say what? I haven't had that in years!

Then for the next 2 hours I am bombarded with his life story. What is it? Why do people always talk to me?!? Why do I always get the person who smells sitting next to me? This guy smelled slightly of moth balls and tequila. Yeah. I know.

He stayed in Mexico with family for 4 weeks. I know his whole life story. He even busted out the ceramics his uncle paints and showed me every piece he got.....all this, while I am trying to stay as nonchalant as I can without seeming like a bitch. He orders a beer, while telling me his wife is not gonna be happy with that. But can he buy me one too? (seriously). No thank you I say.

He then starts to get tired. Thank you Lord.

Oh wait, I may have jumped the gun on that one. His heads slumps forward and he passes out.
YES!!!!

NO!!! He starts to snore like a banshee!!! I mean, he makes Michael sound like a baby quietly napping! NOOOO!

Wait, it gets better.

He wakes up quickly. Then speaks spanish to me. Up close and personal. I tell him I do not speak Spanish. He laughs and apologizes and then passes out. Really? With one beer?

The attendant comes by with the beverage cart. He wakes up and orders another beer. Oh please Lord, no.

He drinks one sip and passes out. Cue snoring. Wakes up 20 minutes later and gets in my face speaking spanish again. I repeat, I do not speak spanish. He asks me what channel on tv I am watching and then proceeds to change it to the same channel so he can talk to me about it now.

Law and Order. Great.

Wants to buy me a beer. No thank you I say. He passes out again. This should actually be in a series of numbered steps because he was that predictable.

1. drink

2. talk my ear off

3. pass out snoring

4. wake up 15 minutes later, speaking spanish

5. laugh and take a sip and pass out

During this flight, he managed to go to the bathroom 3 times. Remember he is in the window seat? Yeahhhh.

Are we in Seattle yet? After four episodes of Law and Order and a half of another, we are approaching Seattle! Yes! Never mind we are 45 minutes late arriving, we are finally there!

He asks me if I have a ride waiting for me? Even if I didn't , I would never tell him!

I can't get off that plane fast enough.

I hate to fly.