Wednesday, February 29, 2012

fly the friendly skies of United....

Oh, you get to read about another one of my travel adventures! So, you either run away screaming NOW or get sucked in.
Still here?
Nice to have you.
Today's adventure began with my plane departing SEA-TAC at 7:40 am.
Which means I was up before the butt crack of dawn starting the beautification process that would only last about 3-4 hours max.
And I know you won't believe this but I actually left the house with no ( gasp) earrings or necklace on.
I was naked.
Felt vulnerable.
Today I flew Continental/United.
Which sadly informed me they provide no internet service onboard. Whaaaat?
Annnd they charge 7.99 to watch t.v.
No lie. No thank you.
I'll just watch my movies on Netflix...oh wait. Never mind. What large airliner doesn't have internet?
 I'll tell you who....UNITED!
Which meant that I was forced to read. Aw man, I didn't want to read.
So instead I listened to the friendly dentist next to me tell me all about his love of touring bikes. Which was fine, turns out we knew the same dentists ( I used to work for) and that he actually came to several of my Doctor's famous Christmas parties that the girls and I would decorate the office for.
It really IS a small world.
But after he talked, he fell into a fast sleep. I must have bored him.
 But now, you realize, that left me to sit there and slowly go insane.
Ok I didn't but it felt like I did. I hate to be confined in a small space and have little movement. Hate it.
He took up both arm rests and once again, I had the cyclops giant boob thing going.
So I wandered back to the galley where I was told the TSA now forbids people to stand back there.
To which I charmed the staff into letting me stay by telling them all the cool things on Pinterest I have discovered.
 They didn't stand a chance. I was back there for an hour before they realized I was in direct violation of the TSA rules. YEssssss.
We finally make it to Houston. My most  favorite airport ever.
I lie.
This was the airport that changed my departure gate once travel adventure and I was running all over the place trying to find my plane in 30 minutes. Sweat was no stranger to me that day.
Once again, we have to deplane on the tarmac. Come On!  I see  the other terminals and THEY don't have to deplane like that! So we deplane
.And then I proceed to walk to China.
Or Gate K874A. Never mind there are signs everywhere telling you ALL about GATES A, B and C.  I walk with purpose towards where I think I should be going. Apparently, I must have pulled it off because before I knew it, there were about 10 others behind me all looking for terminal K as well. I stop and ask them and.... they are.
 " What's with the Gate A, B, C and nothing for terminal K? I ask.
They have no clue. So I get on a tram that takes me to terminal K. Then I walk past 34 gates and come to a steel corrugated structure at the end with doors labeled 1,2, 3, 4and so on. Nothing about K874.
These people all lag behind me. I feel I have been elected their scout, without them even telling me, no less.
So I venture forward to the first desk I see. Where I am promptly told, " yeah, you're in the right place. 874A is door #1".
Oh sure, makes perfect sense. So I turn to the crowd behind me and tell them the good news. They are relieved.
And we all find our seats. This is the conversation I overhear"
" I KNEW I should have gotten frozen yogurt when we were back by the shops, now we're too far away"
" I need to go to the bathroom but I don't think I'll make it back that far"
" this place is flipping hot in here, where is the air conditioner?"
"I'm dying, I need ice cream"
" I want something to drink but I am NOT going back there again"
Yeah..we were THAT far out from the rest of the airport.
And we had to walk out to the tarmac to board our plane.
Seriously? What do you have to do to fly normally here in Houston? I see your other terminals ! I know you have them!!!
Sitting there I all of a sudden noticed a pattern.
Of the animal kind. As in leopard print. Everywhere. On shoes, handbags, shirts. Uhm, wasn't that IN , back in 2005? Did I miss the memo?
While I am pondering this, I suddenly smell onions. Not the fair burger kind but the "man, I haven't showered in 3 weeks" kind. The woman sitting next to me looked at me, made a horrible face and said quite loudly:
" do you SMELL that?"
My look of horror told her I did.
Then she said" " oh, uh uh. NO way. I am moving. That woman STINKS!"
Did the woman behind us flinch, even a little?
Just went on reeking of her onion self.
I moved. But no matter where I went, it followed.
Like a puppy.
So I wandered up to the podium where they had a small fan pointing towards the staff.
I ever so casually walked to where I could get a waft of that fan but not be so obvious about it.
Then the gentleman who was behind the counter made a move to change the direction of the fan so it would blow directly on him.
To which I may have said " don't even think about it" with my best smile.
"did you catch of whiff of onion woman over there" I ask?
Then he looks at me and says" what time do you depart"?
"Now, if you move that fan"
Whatever composure he tried to maintain fell apart. In a huge laugh.
" I will make sure you get on first my dear" he says to me.
"You just want the fan, you're not fooling me" I say to him.
And then he announced the boarding and motioned for me to step in line.
BEFORE all the other sections! That's right.
Not first class but as long as I was away form onion woman, I was good.
Goodbye Houston.
You eternal maze of an onion smelling leopard airport.

1 comment:

  1. Colleen - I love reading about your travel adventures...they make mine seem so calm and "normal"....thanks again for the laugh! Love you!