Sticks and Stones......

You all remember that rhyme in grade school, right? "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!" ? Right?
Totally a fallacy.
Words are hurtful.
Which leads me tell you that I am going to write a book. And call it "Sticks and Stones".
This book will be filled with ALL the mean things my adult children have said to me.
What's that? What do I mean, you say?
Here's an example:  ( I can't give too much away, I want you to buy the book)

"Geez Mom, you're a hot mess today" -B

( on making dinner for guests coming over)
"what can YOU make that's actually GOOD?" -M

"You're pop tarts are the gross kind,,,,way to go" -M

"you're sooooo stupid" -B and M



Oh, just a little taste of my world.
I suppose this is all my own wrongdoing..something went horrible amiss in the raising process of these two children, now adults.
Was I too nice? Was I not nice enough? Was the sarcastic tone in my voice used a little too much?
Did my evil eye scar them for life, thus redeeming them for every opportunity to push me down mentally?
Well, I say , dear children...BRING IT!
Cause I am gonna write a book ALLLLLL about you two!
And it's going to be a best seller because all the other mom's will be able to relate !
And feel sorry for me! Yeah!! That's it!
To which Mitch tells me.......
"Go ahead, Breanne and I will sue you for defamation of character and use the proceeds from the book to put you in a home."
That's going in the book as well.

I Want To Fly First Class....please

As many of you know, I fly quite a bit. So much in fact, that the last time I did in December, the security guy drew a circle with a slash thru it and told me to make sure the TSA agents saw this. What? What did that mean? I step up to the belt and show the TSA agent. I  start to remove my boots and the TSA agent  told me I don't have to do that. " I don't? Why not?' "Because you have been cleared. You do not have to take out your electronic devices as well.". Okaaaaay....why have I been cleared? This is the conversation I am having with myself as I am breezing thru security, meanwhile looking over at the TSA clearance line thinking those people had to pay for that privilege. The only thing I can think of is that I fly frequently? They must assume I pose no threat? ( What, like a weeble instills security in people?) I finally asked someone as it was driving me nuts and that's exactly what they told me. I fly so frequently , the agent figured I was no threat. So,  rest assured America.
Which leads me to this blog. I hate flying. Wait a minute, let me clarify this. I hate flying alone. Which is what I do. I travel to be with my daughter and I travel alone. Which opens me up to a world of possibilities as to whom will be sitting next to me.
My last flight home could have been the turning point as to whether I had to be committed to an insane asylum. I fly Southwest Air so I can pick my seat. And I pay the extra 20 dollars so I can be one of the first 25 to do so. Money well spent.
I enter the plane and pick my window seat. Lets be real, and think about this now. I am a larger woman with even larger breasts. Realizing this, I pick the window so I can turn/angle my body to the side to give my seat companion their space. The "girls" tend to want a little more space than the airline wants to give them. So I do this. My carry on bag is tucked nicely under my seat, my tablet already put into the back seat pocket for me to use when I want.
I wait.

Who will sit next to me? Will it be a"the sick guy"...the one who wants to share his coughs and sneezes with me? Or will it be the "overly friendly talker", who wants to tell me how great the last episode of "Ugly Betty" was?

Or could it be a first time flyer? You know, the one who will break out in a sweat and hyperventilate while trying to grab my hands?

Nope. None of the above. It is a woman who is the same size as me. With "girl's equally as large. Who, by the way , is not as considerate as me. This means she sat flat back forward and folded her arms across her girls. Which then, made her elbows stick into MY girls. Really? Which made her shoulders and arms hog the arm rest. That just happened. The whole time, I am looking directly at her...hoping beyond hope that she notices that because I was considerate, she would readjust herself, Nope. And that's when it happened. Her legs were larger than mine so that meant they had nowhere to go.....but in my personal space. One of her legs was totally against mine and her foot was under the front of my seat. 

So there I sit, angled to the side, back against the window, legs crammed together and pushed to the left.

Annd we haven't even taken off yet. This whole time I am thinking " I need to take a pain pill, maybe a xanax". But I can't reach it because I am crammed into hell and cannot move! She falls asleep.

The plane is now in the air and the man in front of me throws his seat back. I mean, THROWS.

Oh wonderful, I am soooo much more comfortable than I was 5 minutes ago. Now I have no room to even put my tray down so I can put my tablet there to divert myself of the fact that I am in hell!!!! The entire time I am feeling like I could literally crawl out of my own skin. If given that option, I would have taken it.

When I arrive in Seattle four and a half hours later, I find I have one giantic boob. They have totally melded together. This does not make for a good look. 

My seat partner wakes up , looks at me and says " wow , that was a quick flight!!"

I might have accidentally stepped on her foot.

I had no idea this is what it's like~!

So I get this phone call at 10 o'clock at night on Nov. 30th. Which always makes me panic a little because, well....no good news ever comes that late at night, right? Breanne's water broke and they were going to the hospital!!! But wait, she was not supposed to have the baby until December 25th! Oh now, this became a very stressful but of information! What? How? Why? So off they go to the Army hospital and there I lay in bed....staring at the ceiling and waiting. And praying. Needless to say, being across the United States and not being able to BE there was torture! I was flying in on Dec. 14th so I could make it in time for the birth! How could this be happening? I wasn't THERE!!! So we wait. And wait. And then the news came the next day.

The day I have been waiting for has finally arrived! I am now in the ranks of those privileged enough to be called a grandparent.Born to my (daughter) Breanne  and Danny on December 1st, 2013 was our beautiful little Belle Cadeau LeBlanc. Born 12:26 pm and weighed 5 pounds 8 ounces~
I have always been told, time and time again, that this is a life changer. I had no idea it would be this way. I mean, I gave birth to her Momma and uncle....how can anything be any more changing than that? How can I love anyone more than that?  So I change my flight plans so I can get there earlier. Of course!
I will admit, I was afraid to hold her when I saw her at the airport. She was so tiny! 5 pounds of tiny! Even preemie clothes were too small for her. Because she was after all, born 4 weeks too early. But everything was alright. She was healthy, with just a touch of jaundice. She got to come home a few days after she was born. All was good.
Settling in with her was wonderful. I had no idea it would feel this way. I could stare at her forever and not get tired. My hardest obstacle was trying not to hold her all the time. I mean, she DID have a mom and dad who wanted to hold her too. Sheesh.
I was fortunate enough to be able to spend a whole month there. Through the Christmas holidays and New year. And now I am home and missing her. All of my friends who have their grandchildren with them and around them, do you realize how lucky you are to be able to see them when you want, within hours? You need to be.
Because now I know what you all were talking about when you tried to tell me what it is like. And it is beyond wonderful.  The next time I get to be with her, she will be 6 months old. And we will experience new milestones and more snuggles and I cannot wait. Yes, I have only been home 24 hours. But I already wait for the moment I get to hold her in my arms again.

Where have I been all my life?

Have any of you ever been to a Dim Sum restaurant? I know that may sound odd but I had never been to one in all my (dang) 55 years of age. Until a few days ago.

My son, Mitch, did some research and found this place in Chinatown, Seattle.

It got great reviews and so we decided to make it one of our stops for the day in Seattle. Good Move Mitch, good move.

We get there and the wait time is around 20 minutes. People were congregating outside and inside the waiting area. Me? I decided to go shopping. 

Down the street, down an alley and into some hole in the wall place that had great bargains.

 What? I can't shop while I wait? Hah! Watch me~ This guys' shop had $3 and $5 boxes outside filled with all kinds of cloth asian wind sox fish, satchels, totes, and, heck.....we had to go thru them all just to see what wonders awaited us! When I went inside, it was my kind of heaven. Mass knick knacks EVERYWHERE. There were more of the cloth fish I love in every color and size imaginable. Chinese dolls, flags, more satchels, tassels galore....I cannot even begin to tell you all it had. It was all crammed into a tiny shop that barely let two people stand side by side. Heaven. You all know me and my brain and color. Anyway...I am drifting. On the way out, I saw he has put a new box out.What?!? Filled with vintage wooden blocks! Oh man, I am soooo coming back after lunch. Wooden blocks go for 3-5 dollars apiece on etsy and his price was 25 cents each. Oh yeah. I WILL be back. So, back to Harbor City Dim Sum. 

We get back there and they call our name. A woman shows us to our table. Mike and Tomas decided to use the restroom. ( bear with me here, I am not getting personal for the heck of it). Within seconds of them getting up, a woman comes to the table with this cart FILLED with bowls of food . " you want this? or this? or this?" Excuse me, ...what? Mitch asks her what she has and she tells us "shrimp balls , hum Bao ( small buns of dough filled with barbeque pork) white rice with a beef mixture inside"...Uhm , yes please! She proceeds to set them all down on the table and walks away. Enter Mike and Tomas....to a table filled with food. What just happened here? Did we just sit down 15 seconds ago and now we have tons of food in front of us? Yes. Yes we did.. 

How cool is THAT?!?

And  it was so delicious, every bit of it. When one woman would leave our table, another would come by right behind her, with her cart of  more choices of dim sum. It was amazing. I felt like we were just coming off food stamps and had won the lottery. "yes please, ok, we'll take that, yes please" There were so many selections  to choose from and I was still in a whirlwind about the whole "sit down and food is on your table in 5 seconds or less" deal. Where has the place been all my life? Oh that's right, I don't get out much.

( I would be amiss if I did not tell you about their green beans. Fresh green beans sauteed in garlic. Not just garlic salt, or garlic bits but slices of garlic that tasted like they had been dipped in sugar and deep fried. THEN, sauteed with the green beans. Oh. My. Goodness. Nick and I may have dipped our hum bao into the residue of garlic slices when the green beans were done. Annnd I may have slapped the waiters hands who tried to take said plate away . It was an innocent mistake on his part, the green beans were gone, after all. )

The saddest part of this meal? The end. Because the women were still coming around and there was much more food to be had! More to be eaten! And I missed the dessert cart  while I was dipping my hum bao into the garlic deliciousness! Come back!!! I need whatever that layered orange and white dessert was!

 And of course, everyone was ready to get on with the day before she had a chance to come back." No, I do not want more shrimp balls ( pieces of shrimp mixed with a honey sauce and then deep fried, sighhh) or ginger pork dim sum....I want that orange and white dessert thingie!" I gave in to this groups demands of "let's go...we can get you something at Uwajimaya's"......Amateurs... how did they know if this Asian market would even HAVE what I wanted? 

Good thing for them I still anticipated going back to that hole in the wall shop to rummage thru the box of vintage blocks.

 Which I did. And got what I wanted. So I guess that makes up for lack of dessert.

I guess.

And if you ever come to visit me? Plan on going to Harbor City Dim Sum. Because the prices were so reasonable. the 5 of us ate a ton of food for 60 dollars, including tip. Amazing.

Day Four~ The meltdowns continue....this time they are Breanne's.

Day Four ends our time at Disney World. When I was told by Danny how big it actually was, I heard him, but I just didn't HEAR him. I can't begin to tell you the size of this place. I was also told that there is no way you can see it all in 5-7 days, much less 4. Now I know why. Danny kept track our our steps and we averaged around 12-15 thousand a day. A day! I swear I wanted to rip that watch off his arm at one point in time.

We began our day by sleeping in. Yessss. Then we packed and hit the road looking for souvenir shops for requests  friends had made. This took awhile Because everyone knows, no man wants to go souvenir shopping. Ever. 

Now, when we left FOR this trip, I drove. I have a hard time being a passenger in the back seat of any vehicle. I get antsy. And twitchy. And want to crawl out of my skin by the first hour. And grouchy. (See the first three reasons.)

 So, when I drive, I am totally comfortable and there is no reason for meds. Reason enough for me.

 Put one more man in the mix on the way home and you have two males that:

A. want to drive

B. Want to sit up front because the back seat is too crowded ( duh)

Neither of these equations was working for me. So I quietly took my husband aside and told him that if He didn't drive or I didn't drive, I would go apesh*t crazy. Now, one would think that would get the message across, right? Wrong.

"Why don't you drive Danny and we'll  take turns?"

NOOOOOOOOO! Was no one listening to me?  I anticipated going insane. And then was forced to take some meds. 

When we drove down, Breanne and I noticed some great produce farms/stands and an awesome plantation that sold antiques and fruit and veggies and I'll bet every wonderful thing under the sun! "We will stop THERE on the way home" we said.

Yeah, no. My husband had the bright idea of cutting off time on the trip home by rerouting us another way home. What? You want to do What? You want to get home at 10 pm versus 11 pm, why? What on earth could possibly make a difference on one hour?  And this is the reason traveling without men is so much easier.

Picture Breanne and I pouting in the back seat. Now picture Breanne and I and Zailey squished like sardines in the back seat. Welcome to my life for the next 7 hours. 

On our way, we notice a 7-11. Hallelujah!  Georgia  and Alabama have no 7-11's anywhere. Breanne is craving a coke slurpee. We stop. The coke slurpee machine is not working. Oh man, this trip already smells like doom.

We see one more 7-11 down the road. Do we stop? Nooooooooo. ( "we didn't think you were serious about wanting a coke slurpee!") Remember, this is a pregnant woman who cannot keep anything down and has lost 13 pounds. Humor her and give her a damn slurpee!

We see TWO more 7-11's. STOP already! Did they? NO!

I quote: " Wouldn't it be funny is these were the last two 7-11's we see on the way home?" I'll give you a hint~ they were.

So now we have a disgruntled pregnant woman, a 55 year old twitching woman  and a small child in the backseat. Good times.

Cue the rain. Yep. You knew it was coming. We saw a fruit stand that had Indian River fruit; a hybrid orange that is supposed to be super sweet, Let's stop!!! So we did and  we were disappointed in what they had to offer. Not that alligators heads are bad or anything....just not on my "want" list today. Or any day.

Back in the car. More sulking.

We had more torrential downpour for the rest of the journey home. When we got to the border of Florida and Georgia, to my right I saw....can it be......the plantation we wanted to go to?!!! Yes!!! it was!

Yes! 

We drove by.

 That does it. No more men on any more road trips. Period. We. Are. Done.

Like this vacation.

Day Three....Disney's Hollywood Studios

Day three....Hollywood Studios, Orlando.

Have you ever anticipated something so badly that you could barely sleep the night before? Yeah. That was not me. When they woke me up to get ready for day three....I wanted someone to give me some blue juice. Put me down.
 I don't wanna wallllllk anymorrrrre!
Don't make me goooooo!
 Oh fine.....So we get to Hollywood studios with a kajillion other people when it opened. That's right, pretty sure I counted every one of them. So we decide to go left when everyone else is going right...less crowded streets that way. The theme is a backlot studio....prop streets with prop houses. Only, this park did not thrill me in the design. Seemed a little, uhm, lacking. ( there's always a critic somewhere)
We get to the first thing we wanted to do, only to find it wasn't open yet. Whaaaat? is THAT all about?
Studio Backlot tour....a demo of how they make the movies like Raiders of the Lost Ark, etc etc. So we move on. To wander the streets aimlessly
 Do we have a map? Well, yes of course we do.
 Can we find what we want? Of course not!
Finally~ We get to "honey I shrunk the kids set adventure", thinking we were going to have an adventure!!! No. Just a big playground that makes you feel like an ant. With screaming running children. Moving right along.
Cue the rain. AGAIN.  We bypass the Muppets...they don't really thrill us.  The rain comes down harder. We find refuge in an Italian Restaurant. Sweet. The wait if 45 minutes if you don't have a reservation. We don't. After much deliberation....we decide to sit it out and wait. (Transalation: Colleen is not going out there to wander aimlessly to find another eatery to discover we have to wait there, as well. Nu uh. No way. We wait here.) The rain becomes a monsoon complete with thunder and lightening. We eat, and then reluctantly head out into it. Complete with ponchos. The rain comes down harder. Now, let me explain something here. It's not like when it rains in Washington and the temperature goes down a little. Nope. It stays at a lovely 93 degrees and when you have that hood over your head, the clear poncho steams up and makes things even more enjoyable. If you love a sauna.
So picture thousands of people in their ponchos, looking for a ride that isn't closed . They close all the outdoor rides in inclement weather. Wussies.
Now picture you bumping into said people over and over again, while trying to navigate a park in the pouring down rain. You getting the picture?
We find Beauty and the beast and duck in. Yesss. Out of the rain and into the enclosure equipped with bleachers. For my broken tailbone. ( I broke it years ago but the ramifications are still with me.....why wouldn't they be?) So I sit in misery trying to look happy. I don't think I was fooling anyone.
It's over and we are trying to figure out which rides we can go on .......the one we wanted to do reeeeeeal bad was Toy Story. So we walk a thousand miles to that attraction. To find the wait is 2 hours and 30 minutes. And the fast pass is closed. Of course it is. Well crud, scratch that. We wander around, trying to find cast  members to trade our pins with.....( the one thing we enjoyed doing!) and wait out the weather. By the time it stopped, we decided we had enough. Time to call it a day. Please.
I really can't even tell you what time we got back or what we did for dinner because I think I blacked it all out!
I KNEW we should have gone to Epcot.
Stay tuned for day four......( hint....men backseat driving, only in the front seat)

Day Two....the meltdown continues....

Day two of Disneyworld!

You know, the park so dang HUGE you can take a ferry from the parking lot to get to Magic Kingdom! No kidding!! This is it ~

We decided that we would spend 9 am until around 2:30 at Magic Kingdom and go back to the resort to swim and rest. Then we would head back for the fireworks and electrical light parade. Sound like a good plan? yeah, we thought so too. So off we went. To walk another 10 thousand miles. Actually, Danny had a watch that counted his steps and it said we clocked in around 12 thousand steps. Which, in actuality, means 15 thousand for me and my small stubby legs. My feet were going to fall off. No lie. So we went on the Jungle cruise, the Pirates of the Caribbean, Zay met some of the fairies, and then topped it off with Splash Mountain. All in 90 degree , 90 percent humidity weather. Oh, the joy. Did I mention the children meltdowns?

 Because we were privy to more of those as well. I waited with Breanne while Mike, Danny and Zay went on Splash mountain. She was trying to get a good spot to catch them on camera as they came down the waterfall and I was trying to find a spot to discreetly die. I had Danny's military backpack with me and set it down beside me. Which, apparently, was a direct call to two children to come and hop over it over and over again. At the 4th hop, I very quietly said to the boy ~ " if you come anywhere near this again, I will push you down". I did. Do not doubt a very tired, hurting 55 year old woman. The look of horror on his face was my reward.

We get back to the hotel ( after we walk a thousand miles to get OUT of the park, to get ON the ferry, to get OFF the ferry , to walk back to our car in the parking lot, to drive back to the resort, which is next door, but took us almost 30 minutes to get there) and it starts to pour down rain. I mean POUR. Which left us no choice but to nap. So be it.

We wake up and head into Orlando to go to the Cheesecake Factory. Why, you ask? Because Breanne has not been to one in almost 3 years and is dying for some lettuce wraps and grilled artichoke. Ok, so am I. Those things are delicious. Annnnd one tends to cater to a pregnant woman who cannot keep any food down whatsoever. Poor girl.

After that delicious meal, I decide we should head back to Magic Kingdom for the fireworks. People are lining the streets getting themselves a choice spot for the light parade. I have to tell you, those fireworks were amazing. I have never seen a better show. Seriously. Have. Not.

 And then cue the rain. Yep. More rain. We try to wait it out by shopping in the gift stores, which my mind totally appreciates the layouts and graphics and colors and displays and.....well, you get the point. Then we hear the announcement. The parade has been cancelled.  Dang it!! This rain is getting on my last nerve! We walk back to the car , covered in ponchos. I looked like a drowned rat...second day in a row. Praying I wouldn't see anyone point at me and say " didn't we see that awful looking woman yesterday at Animal Kingdom mom?" 

And day three will not disappoint you either.