Someone shoot me.....please

Is there anyone out there that actually KNOWS how to relax?

Genuinely? Truly? Because,

It would seem, I do not.

Or can not. I have no clue which it is.

But today is an absolutely gorgeous day, 69 degrees ( which is a veritable heat wave for us Washingtonians) and sunny, sunny, sunny.

So what do I do?

I look for my cat Zabu. Who apparently does not understand he is not allowed to leave the compound.

Yeah, I said compound.

I have walked into the empty lot next door ( all the while preparing myself for finding an injured cat) and called for him. "ZAboooo".....

ZaBOOOOOO", ZABU"!

My other car Manny is right next to me, chirping away in addition to my wailing.

Yes, Manny chirps. So does Zabu. They must be part bird.

SO anyway, Manny is chirping away, I am yelling and....no Zabu.

My neighbor across the creek ( and I use the term loosely, as I have never met her) asks me what/who I am looking for?

My "he will be the death of me 6 month old kitten/cat, have you seen him?"

She looks into the creek, slowly exhales and says: "no". Then goes back to her weeding.

She looks relaxed.

So back to it I go.

"ZAbooooo"

I do this for 2 and a half hours, mind you.

I am close to a breaking point.

Do not judge me, my animals are my children.

So I call Michael.

Yeah, cause THAT'S gonna help me a LOT.

"Maybe he doesn't WANT to hear you Colleen" he says.

Really?

Seriously?

Breathe Colleen. Then I plop into a chair in the sun, to try to get some color other than translucent for the wedding. And try not to cry.

Then Zabu walks up to me, and yawns. Where the heck did he just come from?!?!?

Oh,Oh, then he runs to the wall and hops over to the street side!

I walk out to the street and so as not to appear maniacal, I talk to my boxer neighbor, BEFORE I try to grab my cat.

To ease into it, I discuss the manny pacquiao vs shane mosley fight with him.

I am kinda listening to him. Really I am.

But I am also using my peripheral vision in search of a small black cat lurking in the shadows of his house.

We discuss the purse the loser got ( wasn't it like 5 million guaranteed?) and he tell me he won his last fight in a 5 round TKO. See? I was kinda listening.

Then Mr.Zabu decides he wants in on the conversation and rubs up against the boxer's leg.

Swell.

For me, you yawn.

So now that my cat is somewhere in the vicinity and I know he is still alive, I am gonna try to tan.

I sit.

I see a beetle struggling in the pool.

Big sigh. I get up, rescue him with the net. Sit back down.

A van pulls up to the empty lot next door. I am suspicious. Rightly so, because, it IS an empty lot on a private road, right?

I discreetly peer over my brick wall. ( Where IS Zabu?) Then the guy opens the side doors ( this is where I am convinced he is going to toss a long rolled up carpet (with a dead body in it,of course) into the lot.

Ok, I may have misjudged. He pulls of the weedwacker and other various garden tools.

Relief.

Oh no! No relief! What if he cuts up Zabu?!?!?!

"ZABU"!!!!

I told you I cannot relax!

Even as I sit here in the sun with my laptop, I may be typing. But I am also listening to the weedwacker, waiting for a cat's cry, trying to get the dog to stop nudging me with his nose,

wondering what just crawled on me ( get off!!)and thinking I may have to go inside to get some pharmaceutical help.

Again, I say, don't you judge me.

All I wanted to do was relax and get some color.

Instead, I am wound tighter than a top ( whatever the heck THAT means) and I am still translucent.

Wonderful.

Where is that Seagram's Cooler?

Blogs. blogs everywhere!

I'd like to think that I am capable of an entertaining thought now and again.

Yeah, no.

I am soooo not worthy.

While I had a " I am down, leave me alone, I did not sleep well or feel good " day this week, I discovered there are so many amazingly funny, humorous ( I know, I just repeated myself, but it needs to be repeated), entertaining blogs out there, I feel so inadequate!

Just on Facebook alone, I have discovered three this week that left me with tears from laughing. I mean, where do these women come from? They all must be related to me in some way, shape or form because they talk just like I do! And I know this because those of us who have a sarcastic inflection in their voice, recognize said characteristics in others 100 miles away. These people can turn a catastrophe into a chuckling moment in a heartbeat.

I have never done that to any of you, have I?

I'm thinking if I did, it must have been tears of boredom compared to ho, I mean how these women write. ( Freudian slip there)

I think if any of you have ever laughed, it's because I make you feel so much better about YOUR lives that you can't help but to laugh in relief~

I just read about some woman's neighborhood being invaded by a sexual predator and I was laughing! I swear! It's true! Laughing~ Now, THAT'S talent.

So it is with great remorse that I apologize to all of you ( all four, but I thank you none the less) that read my blogs.

I promise to try to step it up a bit. I may have to embellish to keep up , hope you don't mind.

Oh man, the pressure is on now.