Because I hate to fly, I think God has some fun at my expense.
I actually thought I was going to slip into normalcy when I boarded the plane from Atlanta to Houston and found myself sitting in an "A" seat! This is a row all by itself, no seat mates! Ah , heaven.
When we landed in Houston, I discovered I had one hour before my next flight departed to Seattle. Ok, I got this.
We deplaned on the tarmac, walked an unearthly long trek just to make it to the terminal. I found where terminal C is, which is where my next flight was departing from. So far, so good.
Oh wait, I should check the departure board just to make sure gates were not moved.
Uhm, where is the Seattle departure? I am seeing no Seattle departure. So I move towards the assigned gate. I check my phone real quick for any gate updates from the airlines. None.
I then proceed to gate C-18....after I take a tram to get there and then walk by 18 other gates.
Gate C-18 departing for Fort Lauderdale at 7:30 pm. Uhm, what?
I ask the gate attendant. She looks at me and says " you can find your departure on the board" and walks away.
Wait! I have less than 40 minutes before my flight leaves and it's not up there! Don't walk away! This terminal was jam packed with a kajillion people, 3 people mover trams for handicaps ( filled)and a high school group of about 200 kids. She could have cared less about my little problem.
So back to the board I go. No Seattle. Anywhere. Just to make sure I am not going insane, I ask the giant man next to me if he sees Seattle up there anywhere? No? Me neither.
Great.
Now I have to muster up the balls to go to another terminal attendant to ask them for help. Problem is, every dang counter is lined up with hoards of people! Were they all going to Seattle too?
One last look at the board in frustration.......oh, oh, there it is! It just came up! Phew!
Oh.
Not in the C terminal anymore. Moved to the B terminal.
Back to the main hub and then follow the signs to the tram that will take me to the B terminal. I take the tram and
I passed 33 more gates en route. I might be sweating at this point. Ok, I am.
Finally arrive at my gate 33..it figures.
I check in , at which point the woman tells me I have a B seat.
No bueno. Not with these girls. NO BUENO!
She tells me I can upgrade to first class for 568 dollars ( you read right) ......yeah, right! No aisle or window seats available, flight is booked. She stares at me. I stare back. She is better than me. I go sit down, defeated.
Wonderful. A 5 hour flight with squished girls. Yay for me.
At least I made it to the gate in time tho, right?
We board. I am ever so hopeful that the window seat next to me is someone like myself in flights past who never showed up for the flight. Getting to the end of the passengers......
....hope,....., hope......, hope. Gone.
Down the aisle comes a man in a plastic stetson and lime green shirt headed straight for my coveted seat. Yep. It's his. Sigh.
He situates himself and tells me " Oh I am so glad I have seatmates on this flight! On my way to Mexico, I had to sit on a row by myself!"......
Say what? I haven't had that in years!
Then for the next 2 hours I am bombarded with his life story. What is it? Why do people always talk to me?!? Why do I always get the person who smells sitting next to me? This guy smelled slightly of moth balls and tequila. Yeah. I know.
He stayed in Mexico with family for 4 weeks. I know his whole life story. He even busted out the ceramics his uncle paints and showed me every piece he got.....all this, while I am trying to stay as nonchalant as I can without seeming like a bitch. He orders a beer, while telling me his wife is not gonna be happy with that. But can he buy me one too? (seriously). No thank you I say.
He then starts to get tired. Thank you Lord.
Oh wait, I may have jumped the gun on that one. His heads slumps forward and he passes out.
YES!!!!
YES!!!!
NO!!! He starts to snore like a banshee!!! I mean, he makes Michael sound like a baby quietly napping! NOOOO!
Wait, it gets better.
He wakes up quickly. Then speaks spanish to me. Up close and personal. I tell him I do not speak Spanish. He laughs and apologizes and then passes out. Really? With one beer?
The attendant comes by with the beverage cart. He wakes up and orders another beer. Oh please Lord, no.
He drinks one sip and passes out. Cue snoring. Wakes up 20 minutes later and gets in my face speaking spanish again. I repeat, I do not speak spanish. He asks me what channel on tv I am watching and then proceeds to change it to the same channel so he can talk to me about it now.
Law and Order. Great.
Wants to buy me a beer. No thank you I say. He passes out again. This should actually be in a series of numbered steps because he was that predictable.
1. drink
2. talk my ear off
3. pass out snoring
4. wake up 15 minutes later, speaking spanish
5. laugh and take a sip and pass out
During this flight, he managed to go to the bathroom 3 times. Remember he is in the window seat? Yeahhhh.
Are we in Seattle yet? After four episodes of Law and Order and a half of another, we are approaching Seattle! Yes! Never mind we are 45 minutes late arriving, we are finally there!
He asks me if I have a ride waiting for me? Even if I didn't , I would never tell him!
I can't get off that plane fast enough.
I hate to fly.
